June 1, 2012
- Buy a townhouse with the entrance on the 1st level, the kitchen on the 2nd level, and bedrooms on the 3rd.
- Put carpet everywhere. Make that carpet beige. Don’t even think about Scotchguard.
- Make sure you get a black cat. Tell him to only hang out on carpeted staircases. Don’t worry, he’s got three to choose from.
- Also make sure your own black hair sheds more than the cat’s.
- Have a baby.
- Insist on doing everything for said baby, because no one else is remotely competent enough to avoid killing or maiming him. No one’s ever raised a baby into an adult before. Obviously.
- Leave a trail of pots, dishes, ingredients, and random items behind you in the kitchen. You know, in case you get lost.
- Have a dog that refuses to go down the five stairs in the house that are not carpeted. Be obliged to carry her down those stairs whenever you leave the house. With 20 lb baby in tow. And cell phone. And whatever else.
- Make sure your cat steals and hides important things.
- Have two dogs, then decide you need a cat. Then decide you need a baby.
- Try to leave town.
- Write a blog post instead of scrubbing a bathroom.
- Enjoy yourself anyway.