I exaggerate. Please, join me.

It was truly ridiculous to discover that after Eli’s 2am feeding I could not fall back asleep. I tossed. Turned. Drank water. Blew my nose. Developed a sudden allergy to our comforter. Irritated a sleeping Sammy, who left me for the soundly sleeping “daddy” side of the bed. Around 3am I finally wandered downstairs, turned on The Mummy, and was able to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.

4am – What are you doing down there honey? 

Trying to sleep, love of my life. 

Here, take this dog. And this cat. ‘Night night!

5am – The baby monitor flips out. Baby Godzilla is awake and wants to eat for the 2nd time. Because I know Hubs has a flight to catch in a few hours, I completely unravel all of my sleep training progress and go give him a bottle. He falls back asleep.

I return to our bedroom, because, like, whatever.

6:50am – I recently found my old Blackberry and charged it up. Eli plays with it. It’s on the nightstand and the alarm goes off. Kill me.

Some time between 7am and 7:15am – Dear hubs is playing dodgeball with his mirror and bottles of pills in the bathroom. The bathroom is next to the room where a baby is sleeping. Yes.

Some time between 7:15 – 7:30 – Hubs gets a phone call. He is suddenly shouting warm greetings into the phone. I hiss his name. Three times. I want to shout “SHUT THE *F* UP OMG DID YOU JUST ARRIVE IN THIS LIFE?!”

I hear him say, much quieter, Let me call you back, homey, my wife’s gonna kill me. Sleeping baby. 

Eli is still sleeping. I decide to just get up and shower while I have the opportunity. While in said shower, Hubs shows up, opens the door and shows me the baby monitor. Yes, the kid is moving around. It’s adorable. Aw, he’s cooing.

Shower over.

I decide, in a sudden burst of inspiration, that after I get Eli up, dressed, and fed, we are going to go shopping. We’ll try on skinny jeans in bright colors and possibly pick up some sushi for later. Then we’ll come home, he’ll take his nap, and the world will be a beautiful place.

Except that, unfortunately, Hubs has left town with Eli’s carseat and my wallet as his hostages. I stand in the garage with Eli on my hip for several minutes, trying to comprehend this. I look around me. I glance under the car. I check closets. Yeah. No car seat. No wallet.

It’s almost as if he knew about the skinny jean plan.

So, I drink a green juice, then a coffee, and we play.

 

Eli turns his cuteness on full volume as he completely wrecks the family room.

 

I smile back and pretend that plastic balls and diapers are just what I had in mind for decoration.

Eli does take his nap finally. I decide to cook.

 

I roast all the corn from the CSA share. Puree it. Mix it with a couple eggs and some cream and pop it in the oven for 45 minutes. I roast eggplant and avocado squash. I put that on top of the corn pudding. Make a balsamic reduction. Pat myself on the back.

Eli tries a few bites. Not as delicious as hummus or scrambled eggs, but passable.

 

It is not even close to Nap # 2.

We go for a walk but it’s far too hot to make it all the way around the pond. We hang out in the man cave for a little while because it’s cool there and there aren’t any cabinets to into. Or dog bowls to incessantly try to turn over.

Other things happen. I totally hit Polyvore a couple times, while Eli circled me like a shark. OpenSky told me I should get a foam roller and a “lady toy.” I consider this.

Now he’s in the middle of Nap # 2. My kitchen is a pure disaster. You may think I am exaggerating about that, but Hubs knows I’m not. He’s definitely glad he’s sleeping in a hotel tonight.

Don’t worry, Evernote’s got me covered with a cute little checklist to get reign this whole situation in.

See ya on the flipside!

 

 

Advertisements